The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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