and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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