you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i dont even know how to be here
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
