the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
