Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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