Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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