U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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