Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
