im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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