im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
