so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
we should paint friendship bongs
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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