I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
