mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i love accidental penises.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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