He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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