I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
