Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
