Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
