We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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