I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
