Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
