she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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