Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
