Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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