I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
