my mouth tastes like poor choices
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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