glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
