You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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