Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
