So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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