so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
