You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
