just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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