I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
And the cops told us we were all naked.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
