I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
