Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
