Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I am midnight drunk by noon
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
