he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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