worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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