I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My dad just said "fuck circus"
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
