He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
