Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
