I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
