he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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