So gin and wine won't be happening again
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
