you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
