The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
