im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
