and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
