Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
