I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
