Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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