i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
